The two entries below aren't new posts or more stuff I wrote down during yesterday. I found myself updating my blog and thought it would be nice for my friends who read this blog to know that I do try to update my blog, just that I don't have time and so these are snippets from my life (approx 2 yrs ago).

Haiz, I always think if I don't have enough time to write a long delicious entry I won't, and even now I don't really have that luxury. But then it's been, er, half a year and it's really bad that my blog is almost as dead as a zombie (for a real zombie blog, visit jerainne.blogspot.com). Now that's really dead so this is lack-of-updates-blog is still comparatively better huh?

Anyway, since the last entry loads of things have happened, and being the logical, analytic scientist-in-training that I am (hah), here they are in numerical, chronological order:

1) of coz I found a house
2) I went back to sgp and spent CNY at home, YAY
3) back to the grind, but suprise! this year is more relaxing than last year, or did I put everything in perspective? probably.
4) Church camp
5) Adjusting to living in the same place as a non-family member
6) Having conflicting thoughts about the wisdom of taking my genetics course (this sem is so pro-evolution) against the incontestable fact that God created the world; and having that doubt resolved. btw it may conflict, but being a Christian doesn't mean that I am narrow-minded, yes? God forbid!

What a spoil-sport I am. Even scientific journal articles aren't so dry, matter-of-fact and brief. They explain, elaborate, give evidence (in this journal article, anecdotes?) and try to arouse interest in the reader. Fine.

I was in the dumps during the beginning of the year, coz the first week of the year was terrible! Those were my emotions then, but in perspective are things people face in life, perhaps not both at the same time, but people do face more than I do, at an earlier age and with less advantages in life than I have. And I have it easy too. I have family and friends who encourage me and whom I can moan to, I have the support of a good church, who is not only administering to me spiritually but willing to help me in everyday things too. But I was trusting to my own strength and resources to find a place, to make my experiments work in the lab, when I had the resources of strength that God made available to me so that I can do more than my own strength enables me and achieve more (and with far better results too) and like a fool I didn't utilize it then. But I will now.

Darn! Why must God make the process of learning not to be arrogant and prideful and trusting Him so painful?? He made me go through a week when the results of most of my experiments didn't turn out well after having worked on them for almost 3 weeks, and finding a place to live while working full-time was so hard.. without a car, without time, after or during work (5pm or skip lunch break) in SUMMER when its 40 degrees out and I have to WALK and take a bus (FYI buses in adelaide come 15-30min apart and are not very on-time or convenient to take, and yeah, public transport in sgp DOES spoil you) 

And at the end of the week I was an emotional wreck, almost ready to give up on God. I cried out to God how I felt, I really did, it's so hard away from home when (altho I did have financial support which is why I am better off than most) I have to live like an adult and it's my first time. But He was so silent, I couldn't feel God in my life then. Thank God for an understanding shepherd (the spiritual mentor my church assigned to look after me, a sheep; read metaphor; Jesus as shepherd and people who believe in Him as his sheep) who brought me out for an iced chocolate, really listened to my sob story without once interrupting and never saying of coz not! grow up will you etc. to me, and then after that spending an hour or so repeatedly telling me God still loves me even if he allows not-so-good things to happen to me etc. until it sank into my thick skull that He really did, and letting me realize that actually it's not so terrible after all (she never once said that to me, but was so sympathetic and a great listener).

Then I realized that trusting God is an action, not just a feeling or a verbal agreement that is fleeting, done one moment and forgotten the next. I had prayed for weeks (before that week) to find a house and I had said that I was going to not worry, but commit my house-finding to God and trusting Him to find the righ house for me at the right time (ideally I can move in and only then start paying rent perhaps a few days before I went back to SGP for a month holiday). I had also asked God to bless my attachment and make it a profitable learning experience, that I will gain something from it besides that token pay I get.

Then what do I do but continue worrying about my lack of accomodation and commit a double no-no by being proud and self-reliant in my work, instead of thanking God for blessing my work? Haiz, that was just asking for a wake-up call from God. In restrospect, that experience helped me mature more and grow in God too. I learnt the really valuable lesson of how to 'suit my action to my word'; really trusting God to let the things in my life work out for my good, directed by God, and letting His purpose direct my life instead of my own imperfect will and knowledge. Who can see the whole of anyone's life, except God?

And true enough, within 2 weeks of flying off I found a great place (I knew, I just knew I could stop searching the moment I saw the place, it was a perfect student accomodation and fully-furnished so I wouldn't need to worry about a thing) and what perfect timing coz it left me 1+ week to move in, unpack and get adjusted before I came back again for school. If I had found it earlier I would have paid $80 more rent per week than at my then current place (in the suburbs)and where I lived in while I was finding a permanent place to live was ideal for someone who works and wants a cheap place. Although it was 20minutes commuting to the city and I was at the mercy of the fallacies of the bus schedules, staying there was a happy memory! The house was beautiful to stay in (the house was a showhouse and beautifully furnished like a hotel suite and the owners, who are also church leaders, rent it out to their fellow church members very cheaply) and I had the friendship of 3 other church members who stayed with me.

There was no good reason to live in the city when I was working whereas when studying that would have been a distinct advantage. I really should have trusted God from the beginning and let Him show me the place to live instead of fretting and worrying! How much more pleasant my life would have been at that time!

And yeah, that week was hell in regards to work results, but one experiment did work, (well, thankfully, for my sanity) and I learnt more things generally than I might have learnt had all worked out well. I learnt how to remedy the results that didn't work out well, which is valuable. Even Edison admits that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, and in real research (not like the carefully structured practicals prepared in coursework, and even then the experiment has a 5-20% chance of not working perfectly), things can and will go wrong, results will not be what you expect sometimes and you have to go back and see what went wrong or repeat the experiment many times, the same way to confirm it. Talk about perspiration! And I was commended for my work, and I really enjoyed the last few weeks when my supervisor let me try new stuff and help him in his stuff, things I wouldn't get to do until much later, and then when I wouldn't be able to use the excuse 'I'm a student' if I make mistakes or not know how to do them. I say, better to learn now, and be a tyco, and the embarrassment's much much lesser, rather than commit them in my Hons/PhD/post-doc etc.

Ok. Lesson learnt. I also realized that I should be careful, mean what I say in my prayers with God. Asking God to grow you in your spiritual life with Him is not a light matter and should only be asked with your eyes wide open. Like, you only ask Him to make you a more mature Christian only after you:
1) really are bored and dissatisfied with your life or feel something's missing and desire some excitement (not the light happy kind when ur on an amusement ride)
2) know, really know and understand that the way to maturing is being disciplined, the way to learning is by experiencing and practising, no one ever said it was easy and it certainly is never relaxing, mostly painful in some way, and involves giving up some things sometimes eg. sleeping so that you can spend more time with God. God even warns those who want to grow, in Hebrews chapter 12 verse 11:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
3) accept whatever God allows in your life is to mature you and not because He is sadistic or bad (The ages old question 'Why, if God is so good and loves all, He still allows bad things to happen, even to Christians who love Him?')
4) accept that there aren't any easy answers to the question above and that's why God asked that to believe in Him and you must have faith (hard in itself, read camel through needle)
5) have the heart to really seek more of God and develop a deeper, more intimate relationship with God.
6) be prepared to be stretched to the limits of your faith, and at that breaking point learn to ask God to increase your measure of faith (extra painful)

This lesson came home to me when I went for the annual church camp in april during the Good Friday-Easter Sunday holiday. I admit that before that I was almost apathetic in my relationship with God, my enthusiasm was flagging and singing Christian songs didn't get me as fired to praise God and love Him as before. I was in the down part of my up and down, high and low, spiritually energized and spiritually exhausted relationship with God. Having God's presence in my life was far from stable and it was very recently that I grew distant from God and couldn't feel Him, even though I had known God's love in His presence very intensely in my high moments.

Then during the camp, something happened. It's still too soon (even after a month) to really define what happened, to see the outcomes of what He did to me, but the immediate effect was that God helped me to decide to take up the challenge of being a shepherd (which my own shepherd had challenged me to do, to grow. read above) and he fired my heart and spirit for Him again.

Something else happened, I still don't know what and how, but I received the  assurance that He would never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy chapter 31 verse 6: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified... for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.") and I was utterly convinced of His love for me (Romans chapter 8 verses 38-39: "...neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.")

I knew, with utter certainty, that whatever happens, if I cry out to God, He hears my prayer, He hears me, and He loves, even among the tons of prayers that go to Him every second of every moment there is life on earth still, and that I am worth something in His eyes and not just an insignificant speck, just only one person out of many in the view of 6.7 billion people in the ocean of humanity.

For the first time, I understood, personally, what these verses meant in application to my own life (Psalm 139: 13-14: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well.")

I wonder if you know how much it can change your life to know and feel that at least one person cares, very much, that you are in despair, that you are joyful, that would sacrifice himself/herself rather than see you suffer unnecessarily even a bit? that would never turn you away, no matter how busy, would never let you down even when you let him/her down, would never fail you, would never say one thing and do another, would never go away or die and leave you alone, would even cross the barrier of death to be with you, would even give the one thing he/she holds most dear to you, even if you are scornful of what he/she gives you, would never mock you, you can tell everything to this person, the worst, things that you think twice or never tell to your parents, your best friend, your favourite stuffed toy, things you don't even dare to pen in a diary that no one can ever see, and this person would accept you, as you are, and still love you?

I'm still discovering what possessing such an absolute, unconditional love means to me, and how it has changed and is still changing me now. I had a vision of myself, a while back, of my life as a path, and my hands, holding a bible as I read, stretching along that path. That became stronger to me, never more so than now, and I had opportunities to be tested, first, 1 week after I came back fully revitalized in God and i was facing deadline and brain was blank and mind was tired. Even during that grueling 24 hours before the assignment deadline when that happened, when I asked for inspiration and strength and still found that in the midst of my tiredness I was writing nonsense, I never doubted that God was with me in that room, and a month later, when I felt apathetic again (that evening when I didn't have devotional time in the morning and therefore didn't spend quality time renewing myself in God for strength for that day) I cried out to God, that I was desperate to be awoken to Him again since I felt distant, so cold, so alien and this should not be! and at the end of that prayer I was led to read Psalms 77:1-12
    
      ¹ I cried out to God for help;
       I cried out to God to hear me.

    ² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
       at night I stretched out untiring hands,
       and I would not be comforted.

    ³ I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
       I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. 

    ⁴ You kept my eyes from closing;
       I was too troubled to speak.

    ⁵ I thought about the former days,
       the years of long ago;

    ⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
       My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

    ⁷ "Will the Lord reject forever?
       Will he never show his favor again?

    ⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
       Has his promise failed for all time?

    ⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
       Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

    ¹⁰ Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
       the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

    ¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
       yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

    ¹² I will consider all your works
       and meditate on all your mighty deeds."

I know the last entry was kinda crappy, and you have been asking me to update my blog, and I know it's a pain when you take the effort to visit my blog and see it half dead, almost like an autobiography of by-gone days with entries written so long ago the events recorded are probably in history books by now.

What can I say? I was, er, too sian to care. I did have the time, I just didn't feel like it. So why am I writing now? It's the xmas week (1 week break, 23/12 to 1/1) and I have a break from working and would you believe it, barbaric, primitive, throw-back Australia has a law dictating working hours. No working on xmas and boxing days. Everything closes down for 2 whole days! Eek. The TV here sucks too, so I have nothing to do...

Actually the shopping scene here is not so bad as I depicted, there was extended trading hours (instead of closing at 5pm EVERYDAY except friday shops can close at 9pm even on non-fridays last and this week). Which I still think is rather pathetic (compared to Singapore of coz). HAH how dare the angmohs here condescend to asian people (have I mentioned how weird it is being referred to as asian instead of singaporean?) like saying, "wow! your english is quite good" when their local UNI students can't even spell "occasionally" correctly, when asian countries have longer trading/working hours than they do??

Let me contradict myself a bit though and say the shopping scene here SUCKS like CRAP. All the shops here have almost the same theme of clothes. Stripes and polka dots are in fashion in Adelaide now, oh eek...what a throw-back to the last century, and when I was in college when people got drunk they sang songs FROM THEIR PARENTS' GENERATION. Like the theme song of Grease. Major '''-.-'''

My point being that at least sgp has shops where you can get clothes that you know are the one and only article of the design. Not like in sunny Adelaide (highest temp so far is 41C) where clothes are so blatantly mass-produced. In most of the shops here, oh horror of horrors, you see multiple articles of the same design on every clothesrack in almost every shop. Almost makes you sick of shopping, when you know you're likely to encounter another person wearing the same top as you. It's disgusting!! My gosh, I never thought I'd appreciate sgp for it's shopping scene *gasps in shock, faints*

However one musn't gripe too much...I did, after all get this lovely top from Esprit for only $11 ($30 but marked to $14 and a further 25% reduction after that), a white embroidered short-sleeved blouse that's just perfect to wear to casual-formal events, like my friend's graduation ceremony, or when I'm on reception in church and need to look more presentable than my norm. And shoes! I splurged $50 on 3 pairs of shoes that I liked that came in my size!! This might look like a fuss over nothing but d'u know how annoying it is in sgp when I like a shoe and it stops short of stocking in just one size smaller than my size? I was so looking forward to buying shoes here, and Adelaide (crappy shopping scene tho it was) didn't disappoint me. I got this lovely covered-toes, backless beaded copper slipper for $15 and 2 high-heels for $15 and $30 (a blue-grey pair with bronze patterning and buttons, and a black pair with a bow on the toes, so elegant). The prices were already marked down and after that was a further 30% reduction on every 2nd pair. I went shopping with my cozmate here and she also bought 3 pairs (both of us shopping-mad women) same as my shoes' prices so we just paid together and split the bill in half. Sweet, no?

Jeez, so uncharacteristic of me, gushing/moaning over the shopping scene here. Anyway, '''-.-'''

As to what else have I been doing in quiet Adelaide (it really is quiet, no city noise like vehicles etc. Ah...lovely!)... I've been working, going out regularly at least 3 times a week (despite what I said about the crap trading hours) catching up and deepening relationships with friends I was too busy to really spend time with during term.

I did have a few problems with work when I first started (doesn't everyone?) but it became better (even tho I was doing stuff like molecular cloning that I did in my last attachment until I was sick of it) coz I was getting results on the 1st round, and doing it faster than my sup expected me, a mere student to do. Also, most of the cloning I was doing was from a different perspective that I've never really had experience in before so I did learn new things, and it never hurts to keep your hand in.. HAH this lab is getting their money's worth from me. I hate to be inactive in the lab (a habit I picked up from my previous lab when I was handling 5 cloning projects at a go at any one time) so while I was waiting for an experiment and so had idle time I bugged my sup to give me work.

My sup at one time asked me how I found the attachment so far...it was a God-given opportunity to tell him that I was so sian coz the stuff I was doing, even though it was kinda new to me were just variants of what I did for my FYP, and pointed out that the experiment I was doing I've done it so many times I could perform it in my sleep and listed the stuff I did before, and told him i was used to keeping busy and that I could multi-task and indeed, i LIKED to multi-task (doing so gives me a feeling of accomplishment). And so he took me at my word and gave me 3 more cloning projects to do on top of my existing (why cloning? Well he didn't have time to teach me new stuff coz he wanted to finish his own things before the 1 week xmas break when the lab shuts down, and cloning he could leave me to accomplish w/o supervision) And it feels so good that I finished all these cloning projects just before xmas (just on the fri before the break too) and 1 project was one he couldn't make work (I did things the freaking tedious proper and many-samples in the hope of getting just 1 good sample way but I made it work the 1st try *phew*) and another cloning was one he didn't have experience in but I did too . Anyway, in the new year I will be doing some pretty new stuff and I plan to bug him to teach me more new techniques (as a reward for all the cloning I did and never complained even tho it was boring,see?)

Actually he did make the time to teach me a new thing ie. the scoring of mice (checking how sick they are according to a scoring table after immunizing them with a candidate germ) coz I was working in an immunology lab. But I was pretty freaked out coz it was my first time... anyway, hope I can do it again in the new year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL READING THIS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Update (3/1/07)

Man, the crappiest thing just happened. I spent almost an hour pouring out my spleen into an update and my lappy power was suddenly cut. I was so >.< and '''-.-''' for a moment but then reflected that it was just as well huh. I couldn't sleep so I thought to pour out all the emotions and events that kept turning over in my mind preventing me from sleeping and it was a real whine of an entry, cause today wasn't exactly the best of days. And worse of all I was rehashing in my previous, mercifully wiped-out horrid whining entry WHY it wasn't the best of days.  

I almost forgot that the purpose of my blog was to remind me of how God has infinitely blessed my life with all the blessings and opportunities I have, and record positive thoughts, even of the not so good things in life.

Well, I won't rehash again why it was a not so good day, but I did learn some new interesting techniques. Basically I was helping my sup in his experiment, which was: Do an EAE which is to study multiple sclerosis from the mouse model in-vitro. First, I learnt how to prep an emulsion (mixing the antigen in the form of an oil with PBS, or water in layman terms), then I immunised/injected healthy mice with that emulsion of PLP antigen subcutaneously (under the skin) after an inoculation with pertussis toxin (to break down the blood-brain barrier so the antigen will work faster) intravenously thru the tail vein. And if I wasn't very good at it so what? I'll get better with practice. And if I got nervous to the point of almost hyperventilating so what too? At least I have an understanding and patient sup while i'm still a student (and be able to learn from my mistakes when they're still forgivable and accrue experience while I still can make mistakes and get away with it). Even if the mistake was to get so nervous that my sup kept repeating "relax and it'll get easier" and stab him in the hand with the syringe needle (loaded with toxin) when he was trying to demo how to do it correctly. Oh well...

After that I learnt a more humane way of killing poor mice to harvest lymph nodes from mice for primary culture in complete RPMI (not just the popliteal lymph node found in the back of the knee in mice, only one taught in my syllabus so far) and that for a primary culture cells harvested need to be a 10^6/ml density and was reminded to use the haemocytometer for counting.

Actually, not that bad a day despite the crap I get in my life... Thank you God for giving me an opportunity to get experience lots of my peers won't have until much later..bwahahaha

whee...i'm gone from that ****hole known as ******* college!!! no more people shrieking in the corridor, no more banging of doors, no more yucks food!!! (potatoes and pasta, grass and leaves)

i just moved to my cozmate's house at torrens park, it's 50mins by bus to school but who cares, in sgp i was commuting 2 hrs back and forth everyday for 3 years to poly. n it's a temporary place while my future housemates look for a more permanent place (i'm working wahahaha...no walking around in the sun from house to house everyday for me). it's just great, there's a lovely huge view of the adelaide hills, no crap tall buildings blocking the view. also it's really quiet (esp compared to that ****hole) and my immediate neighbours are old folks (the last people on earth to blast loud music).

my attachment is definitely more relaxing than last year's (compare last year's 10am-7 or 8 or 9pms and now's 9-5pm) and also the demands/pressures on me are much less. no fyp hovering over my shoulder demanding that i get results now, now, now and i get to do some fun stuff too (tissue RNA extraction).. not just non-stop cloning (mostly). i mean, i know cloning is the fundamental, necessary step before all the fun stuff and i'm just a student and a poly one at that and all, but heck la, i mostly did cloning (90% of the time) and the fun stuff like transposition assays maybe 5%... so much so that even yeast transformation was to me a highlight of the week, coz it meant i got all the clones i needed for that particular project (i was running 3-4 concurrent projects during my attachment each consisting of different cloning, while now i only need to get 2 clones..at the moment, and i'm told that if i manage to get approx 4 clones in the 6 weeks i'm here i'd have done well le).

*phew* and i get paid more than that last attachment. contrast $400 a month (n i work like a full-timer) and $800 here (where they know i'm just a student so the workload is much lesser). i hope i can make the most of this current attachment and learn more techniques (i just embarrassed myself yesterday asking how to light the bunsen burner, i was spoilt in poly and in bioP, using the laminar hood or a spirit lamp for the same things here) hahaha...

Update 11/12:

hah to me if you thought that such an abrupt and short entry was uncharacteristic of me. it was just some stuff i was writing to fill in the time at work. anyway I'm finding a place...it's a huge responsibility that just got huger coz my future cozmates have gone back to their home countries. hah to them if i find a place and like it..and they dont..or if they like the house but i chose the nicest room first..

it's a scary experience but it's a good experience.. coz i couldn't procrastinate like i did after poly when i had to find a job to fill in the time before going to uni and didnt (i was playing mapleS). it's all part of growing up. i have to find a good place before i go home (SGP IN FEB WOOOOHOOOOOO) and i finish placement in mid jan. at first i was so scared but thank God for good friends who advised me on what i should do and went house viewing with me (esp my sister and yunying) and the moral support of my church leaders who, altho didnt have the time to go house hunting with me at least lent their moral support.

i also got a break from my placement coz my sup's on holiday, from friday 8th to mon 11th. i have to resume work on tues but that's ok. i feel so rested after the long weekend. it helped me put my house hunting booboos in perspective and just enjoy the process ie. viewing houses. and also i think i should wait until after christmas to really really find coz by then more houses will be freed up coz of all the grads going back..

i haven't told many people about what I'm going thru now, and probably won't, but i do want to remind myself that we are the sum of our experiences, and God can use my hard times for His will, and altho i don't know now what His will is, or why oh why the freak i am going thru this, He will make known His purpose in His time.

I HATE LIFE IN COLLEGE LOATHE IT DETEST IT!!! there. i got it off my system. the food! the horrid people in my corridor! the structured meal times! ARGH!! beef, lamb or chicken day after day, only 1 or 2 days a week fish, and pasta!! YEARGH... i won't eat pasta after i move out for ages. their idea of vegetables is cabbage, tomatoes, cucumber, beetroot, pumpkin YUCKS. what happened to dear old honest vegs like xiao bai chai?? and they hAve structured times for eating and also i can't use the fridge or kitchen!!! so freaking ridiculous... whoever the freak eats at 530pm unless forced to? dinner = 5.30pm to 630pm. and breakfast/brekky is from 730am only, and later on weekends. i like to wake up early in aus n this is bummy when i feel hungry by 630am. *sobz* and the people living in my corridor BLASTING MUSIC, SCREAMING AROUND the corridor until 12am sometimes, NOISING IT UP after pubbing, at TWO FREAKING AM EVERY WEEK!!! how on earth can i concentrate and have a good sleep so i wont be a zombie tmr!!!... phew...done agonising.

i'm sure God has a purpose for me in living in this college, even if i can't see it as yet except as a huge mistake - moving into this hellhole on earth. but, God has NEVER let me down, and i have always benefitted positively from even the most hellish moments in my life. take my attachment as an example. my earlier entries here were full of complaints, but i HAVE benefitted. 

1) i have developed better working skills, and have had a more profitable attachment than lots of people, whose supers had them doing crap stuff and not letting them do any good work in the lab, let alone give them mini-projects where they learn how to plan experiments and work, read papers and research problems in experiments, get a feel for the work life in research etc. which i had the chance to experience and learn from. 
2) i learnt to appreciate efficient time management and utilise it. 
3) i learnt how to keep good records even when my experiments failed (lots of times)
4) i can better appreciate the scientific breakthroughs we have today, and how much hard work went into making even ONE 
5) i learnt how to speak up 
6) i added something to my life's experience and resume
7) i matured spiritually

1) i depended on God more 
2) i never gave up hope that my experiments would work 
3) i trusted God more, and told Him, Lord, not my will but Yours 
4) my relationship with God grew by leaps and bounds becoz when i was at the end of my tether, i still had His tether to cling to! 
5) God and I went through this hell together when my experiments didn't work, and we celebrated when they did 
6) God gave me great perseverance, and i was always comforted after refreshing myself in His word.
7) the list goes on and on!

and like my decision to go to poly. there were times when i really regretted making that decision to opt for poly instead of jc, but after i graduated i saw that my decision was good! God was doing something in my life, becoz now i can see my diploma was a good way to jumpstart to a degree and beyond, instead of going the conventional way. and if i hadn't gone to poly, i may not even be in a church now and having a great relationship with God i can lean on, and i definitely won't have known lots of people who have touched my life one way or another, plus the friendships i built in poly. and also, poly as a whole (not just studying) was a learning for life experience i think i won't have gotten in a jc. i just want remind myself that God sees the big picture, and He has a purpose for me, which is why i'm experiencing what i am in life now.

like my decision to study in adelaide. after my first week here i felt that God really guided my decision. i won't deny that it's hard to live away, but i learnt tons of things that continuing to study in sgp wouldn't have taught me, or things that i would learn too late in life perhaps..

i learnt to rise above the circumstances and in my quiet time find joy in God. happiness is transitory and depending on your circumstances. the person who knows only happiness but no joy in life will always base his/her emotions on whatever is happening in their life. but joy, i've found, allows u to be joyful even if your experiment fails, even if u feel homesick, even if u are studying hard! it may sound incredible, but when i know i'm studying for God's purpose i feel a deep motivation and JOY in my studying! it's what enables me to go on day after day of revision, and enJOY the process of knowledge gathering. it makes me feel good to know the main reason i study is for the pure joy of learning, and not to please earthly desires, like pleasing my family, like making tons of money, like getting prestige. all those things are so hollow! if you based your life's purpose on these, and if they were taken away, wouldn't u feel u've lost your purpose in life? i find great joy in the fact that i can praise God and count my uncountable blessings when my life is good, and still can do that when i'm going through rough seas and new horizons.

and that brings me to my college life. i can still praise God even though my life here is a constant irritation, like a small thorn is my flesh almost everyday. i can still grow in God and feel joy, even though just last week i was woken up by a girl crying just outside my door and her friends talking to her n not even bothering to whisper. at 2am in the morning! i had had a week of pubnights noise etc that week n i was pretty irritated. i had to tell them off 2x and the 2nd time her friend told me can't u see this isn't the time to be angry or some such. i was so mad after that i had to close the door or scream. i tried singing hymns to calm myself down, and praying then didn't work to calm me down either. i was hard put to sympathise with that girl, who probably broke up with her boyfriend or some such, and for such a crap reason woke me up when the next day i would have a busy day. i actually thought of ways to kill them all n gave them new names i thought their parents should have inserted in their birth certs like elephant (worse ones wont appear here) and on top of that, it was only last sunday i heard that sermon on "loving your enemies", which would apply to that girl, she was sort of like my enemy too becoz she provoked me. i had a really hard time struggling with these thoughts since "loving your enemies" never included thinking of ways to leave a pig's head at their door  o.0

so instead of lying in bed thinking evil, i think God sort of answered my prayer becoz i thought of studying to dull my anger, after which i was too tired to be angry. and still i couldn't sleep. so i started singing christian songs and hymns again, and i never realised that i remembered how to sing, and from memory, so many! i mean, some were songs i hadn't touched in months to years.

i hope i will remember to react to circumstances positively instead of spiralling into anger, negativity and hate. anger breeds more anger, and some verses which really taught me was

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1) and
" be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32) and
"In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (Ephesians 4:26) and
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice" (Ephesians 4:31)

i felt anger not only becoz she woke me up, and i was tired the next day, but also anger becoz she made me angry. i still couldn't forgive her, couldn't emphathise with her despite knowing she was upset, let alone think of her as also a child of God and so i should show love and not anger, and had anger in my heart the next day, which was sunday, which was worse becoz i went to church, where i go to be refreshed in spirit, and i went to God's presence still with anger in my heart. after the service i was prompted to tell my shepherd (a person in the church who acts as my counselor, friend, teacher in spiritual personal matters) about how ashamed and bad my anger made me feel. straight away i felt peace from these emotions after i told her, and what she said helped me to get rid of my bitterness and rage, and also remove all thoughts of malice. i learnt a valuable lesson there, that when asking God by myself doesn't help, i must rely on the support of my church and fellow Christians and ask their help and counsel too.

besides learning all these (no one ever said maturing was easy!) i also learnt tolerance and patience, and had a hard practical lesson on how to love your enemies, how to control anger and annoyance, and how to take action against it when necessary. to look on the bright side i have not had the opportunity to feel
lonely, as might have been the case if i had rented an apartment and stayed with just a few people. i also didn't have to worry abt adjusting and living on my own while i stayed here... so i could concentrate on studying and catching up on school work and gradually adjusting to adelaide. i have also learnt how to study under any circumstance, and how to pace my work so that when the noise hits i can take a
break awhile while waiting for the zoo animals living in my corridor to quieten down. i have also learnt how to complain and speak up. hard lessons but i'd rather learn them earlier in life... n also picked up how to understand the aussie slang and accent much faster than otherwise (useful when some lecturers have such a thick aussie accent).

when i look at all these reasons to rejoice in my life that God has given me, and all these opportunities to grow, how can i not praise God even when i'm under stress? how can i not be 100% certain that He is my God, that He is always there for me? how can i not feel joy in studying, when i feel a thrill whenever i come up with the right answer in tutorials becoz i put in that effort to revise? how can i not feel JOY in my life indeed?

Update post 19th Oct

God is great! after i couldn't stand it anymore, i asked God what to do, and i got the idea to tell the dean all my problems. and just nice, there was a room elsewhere in the college that was much quieter! so now i can sleep/study there whenever i need absolute quiet   the best part is i can still keep my things in my main room and just use this room as a...hideout? lolx... oh well last night was pretty noisy but less noisy than the norm in my main room. it was wed, pubnight as usual (the angmohs can't do without their bbqs n pubcrawls, it's in their culture i think) and i was woken up as usual but at least i had a nice 10-2am snooze. so i did some work while waiting for the noise to die down. oh well... COUNTDOWN : 3 weeks more to getting out of hellhole college!! WOOHOO

i feel that international students who come to australian unis expecting an easy happy party slack school life are hanging their wishes on stars and drinking moonlit wine, which is a more poetic way of saying they are wishing the impossible and wasting their parents' money like water.

i just finished a half-marathon of revision during the mid-sems (2 glorious weeks of no classes, available uninterrupted study time) and man, from what i heard when i asked my cozmates (the asians, at any rate) what they did during my mugging period, well...wishes on stars and moonlit wine... sightseeing in adelaide, going interstate to visit friends, extracurricular activities, playing games, playing, playing playing. i feel a bit ..., ok really sour grapes, but shall console myself with the fact that i have 3 lovely months to play (even if i am working 5 days a week for 2 months or more in my summer placement lab) becoz i shall be going back to less sunny sgp for maybe 2 weeks? the 2 weeks have not been confirmed, sorry guys if i told y'all (aussie slang) earlier that i was going back in november until feb...

at any rate there is not much to see around in adelaide n i feel uncomfortable spending my parents' money on entertainment when they paid tens of thousands of dollars just to see me through a basic degree. and they still have my younger brother and their retirement to factor in. i'm hoping very much that after i finish hons i can get PR in adelaide and work here...lighten my parents' steps in their life-road.

anyway, on a lighter vein, i will be getting $200/- a week during my placement which more than covers my rent (utilities + internet + misc + food = at most $150 a week) so it means i have $50 a week to enjoy! (on sats n suns at least)

for one, i plan to go to glenelg beach every other sat and slack at the riverside on sundays. nights on weekdays i plan to catch up on msn (erm, at least be more visible la k?) and read all the storybooks i hadn't time for during the sem. also, i plan to download stuff like crazy (imagine living on 500Mb a MONTH, which is my internet allowance in college, any more usage n i PAY, OUCH), go to people's houses (like roo/neo_neo's) and generally have a good time.

man, it sounds like i'm having premature dream babies...STOP!! i shall wait until after exams are over (Nov 11) to think about what to do. haiz...i just want to put up my dream babies on record so that i have something planned to look forward to...

heez, i'm all tired out, spent the whole day away from my solitary room. after sch today i went to central market (somewhere in adelaide city) to buy food for dinner (which i'm supposed to prepare for cg later in the evening)

i love central market! it's a lovely haven for the homesick international student.. and guess what, i splurged on chinese sweets too! green tea-flavoured..and so exp too..$5.50. haiz...my homesickness was triggered by an angmoh kid eating san-za, so i had to assuage it with comfort-food (which is the cause of my weight gain, SOBZ)

n talking abt that sore fat subject.. my almost daily trips to woolworths (woolies, in the native lingo) buying biscuits and miscellaneous titbits so has to stop! *btw i DONT eat timtams, woolies' vulgar display of stack upon stack of timtam packets is quite enough to make me sick just looking at that disgusting spread of obesity-inducing poison, let alone waste money buying it, eating it and wasting more money going to gyms to lose all that weight.

haiz, i dont have time to make this entry the nice full chong-hey column i usually stretch it to, too many things coming up..tests, assignment deadlines, lab reports, u name it i have it deadlined. i cant wait until the mid-sem break in 2 weeks...